When I first retired from the Metropolitan Police Force many people said I should take up playing golf for relaxation. At that time I agreed with the comedian who once said “Golf spoils a good walk”.
It wasn’t until a few years later, I tried my hand at it and I realised that it isn’t a boring game.
In fact it is the sort of game that one gets easily hooked on! Forget relaxation, it’s the most frustrating game I have ever played! One minute you can play like you could win the open, the next like you’ve never played before! Golf and me have a love hate relationship!
On these pages I want to share with you many amusing golf stories & jokes, golfing tips and a bit about myself. Since I took early retirement in 1992 I have been travelling around various countries sharing my amazing testimony how I stopped being an atheist policeman and became a Evangelist, telling people the benefits of knowing and trusting Jesus.
Apart from doing this, I still manage to play badminton three times a week and golf twice a week, most weeks! What a hard life!
FIRST TIP & STORY: Be careful if you practice your golf in the garden!
Soon after I began to play I put a net up at the bottom of my garden to knock a few balls at. One afternoon I had hit a number of balls away from my house towards the net but foolishly when I went to retrieve them to start again I decided to do a little chipping shot back towards my house. Unfortunately I hit it far too hard and in shock horror I stood and watched this little white ball heading straight towards my kitchen window! When I phoned the glazier and told him it was double glazed 10 foot by six foot he sighed “Oh that will cost you it’s not a standard size”. When I told him what I had done, he suggested I told the insurance company kids had thrown a stone at it and they would probably cover the cost. Now although I’m not perfect, I do try to be honest especially now I am a Christian and I didn’t feel happy about lying. Still, I had a few hours to think about it as I needed to sort out my policy. When my wife came in, she could see I was a bit wound up as I told her I had been rather stupid and reckless and showed her the window. Instead of nagging me, she gave me a big cuddle and said “never mind, you won’t do that again will you”. I haven’t to date!
Then in the morning when I phoned the insurance company I decided to be honest and tell the truth. A nice young lady answered the phone and I began to explain how silly I had been and was unsure if I was covered for the damage. She laughed and told me I wasn’t the first man to have ever put a ball through a window and yes they would cover the cost.
On reflection, this is wonderful illustration of God’s forgiveness. All of us are reckless and do or say things that we regret and are against God’s plan and purpose for our lives. Yet he still thinks we are special and when we say sorry he treats us just as if it never happened. Just like my wife giving me that hug! Also Jesus, like the insurance company, paid the price for our mistakes by what he did on the cross. Suffering a cruel death, so that all who trust & believe in him can have their relationship with God restored.
JOKE: A Club Secretary was walking around observing how a competition was progressing. He saw a competitor about to tee off, but his ball was a yard and a half in front of the tee. At once he informed the golfer that he must not tee off from there; it had to be level or no more than two club lengths behind the tee box. “Mind your own business” the golfer replied. “It’s my duty to see fair play and I’ll have you disqualified” shouted the Club Secretary. The golfer stopped preparing his next shoot and turning to the Secretary said “Can’t you mind your own business, I’ve already had three shots!”.
TIP: When hitting the ball try to keep your head still and your eyes on the ball. This sounds so easy but in practice is not! The reason most amateur golfers, including me sometimes, seem inconsistent, is that after hitting a really good shot they are so sure their next one will be great, they look to see where the next ball is going even before they strike it!
Because so many times I have seen answers to prayers it’s a great temptation to pray for victory on the golf course. However I think this would be one occasion God may not listen. As Rev. Billy Graham said “I never pray on the golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.” So there is no easy way! Just practice, practice, practice!!!!
What do I have in common with these Champion Golfers? Tom Lehman, Payne Stewart, Bernard Langer. Unfortunately not our handicaps but the fact that we all share the Christian Faith!
A GOLFERS LOT (Poem Testimony)
One day I read the bible to see what wisdom I could find
About the way to play this game and witness with a smile
1 chronicles 22 16 it said go take your irons
and arise do a good work and the lord be with you in Zion
So I went to the first tee with my number one wood in hand
wound up and sent it into the trees, I looked skyward Iâd been had
I put another ball down to take three off the tee
tried the same sent this one the other way into the stream
Riding high now 5 of the tee Iâm still not off the first
my friends they chuckling beneath there breathe whilst I look for the Hearst
I went to take an iron this time it went scampering down the fairway
I said to the Lord whilst looking for balls did I not hear you clearly
He said to me so very gently arise and take your irons
iron sharpens iron a man changes the look of friends (proverbs 27:17)
But the most comforting thing of all he said while I looked down at heel
Is Iâm still with you now play with irons and slow it down and feel
My driver is in the boot of my car donât get it out very much
When I do, it likes the windows with my wayward touch
Honesty is a virtue when playing on the course
didnât quiet go out of bounds In the fields of thistles and horse
Iâve got this longish putter and with a supercilious grin
I look a bit like father time with something hanging from my chin
I have a GOD in heaven who looks after my every shot
Apart from the one that I took again because the last one it was lost
The scorecard it looks quite good except with a six a seven and an eight
I must get in before the sun goes down or my tea is in the cat
I wish my wife would come with me or then again maybe not
But what you need is someone who will say very good shot
I would like a new set of clubs with all the latest steel
The technology used these days means the par 5 is more like three
If you play with a veteran who seems to be always in the sand
He probably was at El Alamein in the bunker with grenade in hand
When you get to the nineteenth hole thereâs more than just a drink
Thereâs exchanging cards tales of woe and a couple a quid for the bandit
Watch out for the pro shop the clubhouse and the fees
cause if they donât put a hole in your pocket the 3 inch white tee will
He will cut down the thickets of the forest with iron, And Lebanon will fall by the Mighty One.
© Reserved to Roger Toye 27th April 2005